Why am I helping him? I really want to be there for him. Not sure why. Maybe all the guilt I feel for treating him so bad.( Granted he was not a saint either but...) I take his random calls. He picks my calls whenever he CAN. Then today he makes a mistake and does not cut his phone off when he leaves me a message. Then, I hear "her". She is helping him as well. But she should be helping him. They are together now, not us. I hate how I feel..... I hate they are together... I hate that there child is sooo cute... I hate it. This growing knot in my stomach will never go away until I let him go. Time has passed and he is still there. I keep letting him back in. A part of me keeps letting him in because I want to pay "her" back. I am only causing harm to myself. Let go and be free.
-----------STOP TAKING HIS CALLS--------------

Charma

I was the worst girlfriend in the world. Two years later I am just coming to grips with this. How to deal with the guilt is what I am struggling with now. Charma is inevitable... well at least I think it is...I would hate for all these things to come back on me.

Trapped between a rock and a hard place....

- I have loved him for more than several years.... but he with someone else now... I miss him. Was my homeboy but I treated him like CRAP. But he has grown into a DOG( she thinks it because of his new found freedom)

- I have been dating him off and on for 3 years. He is not ready to really commit but I miss him. He is not dedicated and dependable... but I already put my self in this position with him. I feel like I need to conquer him.

- I have the best God fearing man in the world. I just love him.... but he has not discussed marriage.....plus he is just telling me he loves me for the first time.( 2 years later). Parents hate me...

SEE THIS THE KIND OF STUFF PEOPLE ARE CALLING ME ABOUT..... People are dying from lack of proper health care. Matter of the heart are definitely important, but it should not be what consumes us. Call me and discuss more pressing matters or Leave me alone.

Deuces

EMPTY

T'was the day after Christmas and I am getting calls regarding others problems.!!. I am not sure if they don't get it but I don't have any emotions or sympathy to give. I am drained, just empty. Sad to say, but it is true. I find solace in just bottling up all my emotions, doing my work, avoiding tedious conversations with little to NO substance. Hopefully, with time I will get better. So find your way....we ALL got stuff we are going through. Maybe we need to all do what the Caucasians normally do... THERAPY.

Nigeria turns 49!!!

Nigeria Celebrates 49 Years Of Independence

Today marks 49 years of independence from British colonial rule. Today should be a day that we look back at all the accomplishments that Nigeria as well as Nigerians have made since independence. Unfortunately, many Nigerians continue to express frustration over widespread hunger, unemployment and the pace of development. We should all join together and ask ourselves “what can we do to make our county a better place?” Instead of complaining (which is dully justified) we need to think of what we can do here or back home to make our government accountable. We can also selflessly find ways individually to unite and give back to our county. A positive attitude goes a long way. Directly quoting Governor of Lagos, Fashola from 2008 "Many will be tempted to focus on our failures and to lament our national deficiencies; they will compare our accomplishment to our potentials and conclude that we could have done better. But let us see the cup as half full rather than half empty." It would be more beneficial to choose a positive attitude in our assessment of the country. Fashola suggested that adopting a positive attitude would enable the country to count its blessings and access our strengths so we can have the courage and will to turn yesterday's short comings into tomorrow's successes. So as we celebrate today and all through the weekend think not “What can my country do for me?” but “What can I do for my country?

Happy Independence Day!!!!

Yard Sale

We had our "Back to School Ladies of NOW Yard Sale" 2day. It was ok. We started around 830am. Our first sale was a toy for $.50. It was not until 10am that business started to pick up. We made $180.00. Thats pretty good considering we quit 1 hour early. We could not take the heat!!! I am proud of us. We will be using the money to buy school supplies for students that we are mentoring. Most of our students attend an alternative school in Atlanta. These kids are not bad at heart. They have just used the wrong ways to seek attention.

Good job Ladies of NOW!!!

I have been trying to heal with each day. I spent 8 weeks in Europe and Nigeria and things are not better. I'm the type that likes the quick fix. Do not like to stay mad to long, don't want to mourn to long. However, this was my bros!! So dear to me. The days I spend in the company of others makes it easier to block the pain. Other days I cry uncontrollably. Now that I am around my mother it is worst. You see how the pain has taken a tole on her. Our smiles use to brighten up the room. Now they are just there. Its sad when a death in the family makes family members drift apart. We are suppose to be coming together. But everyone is dealing with the pain the best way they know how.

Me on the other hand do not feel like being bothered. I am trying to keep my relationship with my man above water because I know I want him in my life and this pain will one day subside. But I know it is hard on him. My moods fluctuate dramatically. One day I am laughing with him the next day I am being malicious. As far as my girlfriends and cousins.... well those relationships are barely in existent. I try to email at least. Because like my man, I really want them to be there. Its not like I have so many friends. I just hope they understand.

As for school... well it was by Gods grace that I am still above a 3.0. In law school it is important to be in the top of the class, especially since I plan to work at a large firm for at least 2 years.

My organization... well I want to forget about giving back to my community. That's on the days I am mad. Other days I know that if I sit back and say "it is someone elses responsibility" I will live to regret it. So I will strive each day to fight the urge to give up on all my dreams.

The sad thing is life keeps moving. I know FSCBone would not want me to fail out of law school, abandon an organization that he helped create, not get married and be without friends. But anytime an ounce of happiness is felt in my heart sadness over powers it and I am sad again.

Uwem emi....

Not a bit easier

The days are not getting easier. How can it? There is no real closure. I dont know the real reason why I have lost someone so dear to me. The doctors cannot give us a straight answer. I dont know....
How am I handling this? Well I have always been a loner, so unfortunately I am unable to really open up to those around me. The other day a couple of ladies came over for intervention. They cautioned me about sitting in the house and lamenting of the lost. That I need to really talk to them.
I just dont feel like it.... I dont want to really talk to anyone because it just makes me cry and think harder. I am too young to develop high blood pressure. This pain is cancerous... it just eats at me. My mood is the worst now. I am snappy and I dont want to be. I know people are reaching out because they want to help but...I just dont feel like being bothered. I see the pain in my mothers eyes. She wakes and sleeps with tears and prayers. My faith has been rocked. I dont know what to say to my God. I have asked for strength for me and my family. Even if I am given strength I still do not have my brother. The person who will tell me "it will be aight". I dont have it.
I am trying to go through the motions of life. I know he would not want me to sit and let life pass me. He lived in the moment. Did what he needed to do with as little stress as possible. I am picturing his layed back stroll. Need a break...tears....

Life

I have not been myself. I don't think I will ever be myself. It has been a month and 14 days since I lost my brother. Such a young man. I'm made at life. They way things work out for the most innocent people. Just not sure what to do. I miss him so much. I wake every morning and see his picture. His smile that looks like a smirk. His o so cool stroll. Life....Where do you go from here?

Mardi Gras!!!

Why is Mardi Gras such a big deal? Those who follow this celebration are really hyped up. I can just imagine how I-10 looks right now. Classmates have gotten there hair done and are on there way to partake in the festivities. I have been to Mardi Gras about 3 times and I do not know what all the fuss is about. I have done some googling and have found out the Mardi Gras literally means Fat Tuesday. It is the day right before Ash Wednesday, which signifies the beginning of Lent. It is traditionally the last day for Catholics to indulge before the fast. Mardi Gras is the feast before the fast. So can I presume that Mardi Gras is a Catholic holiday? Anyway, its very interesting that the background of Mardi Gras come from a religion. Considering all the booze, and flashing that goes on.

Abacha loses ownership of multi-million naira estate in Port Harcourt Written by Ise-Oluwa Ige Monday, February 16, 2009

ABUJA—The Supreme Court, last Friday, dismissed an appeal by the Administrator of the Estate of late Head of State, General Mohammed Sani Abacha, challenging the judicial annulment of the deceased’s right of occupancy to a piece of land in Port-Harcourt on which he built a multi-million naira edifice.
Late General Mohammed Sani Abacha

That was after the five-member panel of the Supreme Court had restored the disputed land to its original owner, Mr Samuel David Eke-Spiff. The land is located on Plot 228 Diobu, GRA, Phase 11 in Port-Harcourt. Eke-Spiff was a Permanent Secretary in the Rivers State Government before he retired from service.

http://odili.net/news/source/2009/feb/16/306.html

Today, I was late for everything. I started out on time but a doctors appointment messed up my whole day. I missed my first class, then I was 2 seconds late for my second class. As I walked in he had just called my name.
I was thrown off the whole day. I left school early and came home to take a nap. I have not spoken to my loved ones, and now I cannot sleep because of my midday siesta. I need to wake up at 630 am and it is now 1230.....
Blah, blah, blah....I could be reading one of the many cases so that I can be on point in the morning but I refuse to get up and open a Con Law book. I am sure I will think of something interesting to write about or I will fall asleep

Happy Valentines

Since the 28th of January I have been in a balloon. Enchanting love, new experiences, romantic trips, and rest( well of course some studying). I do not want the bubble to burst. Like all things it must soon come to an end. The 27th is fast approaching....


Anyway, I received a text message from one of my friends that said " I hope your day is filled with all the love you deserve." I thought that was a little weird. Is love something that you have to earn? I feel like everyone should have love in abundance. We should not be looking to get qualified for love. Love can come from all types of places. The first place it should come from is yourself. So on this day full of love, let us love ourself first. I know that is what we deserve.

Happy Valentines Day

My thoughts on 01/20/09

I will remember this day vividly. As I rolled my book bag toward the law school for my 10am class. I am thinking I should have done what my fellow colleagues did today and take an “Obama Day.” Then I think “Obama has his law degree, I need to focus on getting mine” Nevertheless, I would have enjoyed watching all the events in the comfort of my bed.

12:05pm 01/20/08----As I sit in the civil rights room of the Law center, I am getting emotional(not normal for me)

Here are some of the quotes that I found captivating. Enjoy.

“time has come to set aside childish things”(that goes for government as well as individuals)

“The god given quality that all are free”
“Greatness is never a gift it must be earned”
“we need to be Risk takers, the doers”

“raise health care qualities and lower its prices”
“We are the keepers of this legacy”
“The understanding between nations”

Oh, I am looking out in the crowd, I just say John Lewis(spoke at my undergraduate graduation)

“Our spirit is strong and we cannot be outlasted”
“Shaped by every language and culture”
“The old hatreds will someday pass”
“Your people will judge you on what you will build not what you will destruct”
“A man who’s father more than 60 years ago would not have been served is now taking a most sacred oath”
“Quoted George Washington”
Personal responsibility
“Don’t sit on the side line….need to be a society of doing”

Joseph E Lowery gave the benediction-hold on to the spirit of fellowship…let us take it back with us to our schools, our home, our jobs

“… Brown will stick around, yellow will keep it mellow, Where white will choose what is right…….”

YEA!! It is a New Year. I am enjoying the time I have had off from school. 7 more days and it is back to teachers who need there ego stroked:)

SO what are my New Year resolutions?....

• Mainly to be a better me.



• Rid myself of wasteful people.



• Let people be, cannot save the world.



• Forget about the past, I cannot change it now.

And that is really all I could think of this year. Not really much I need to perfect...

I am FABULOUS:-)

To a prosperous, healthy 2009.

Another view on Fat Houses

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5QypK_0Ofg

FAT HOUSES in Annang Land-NIGERIA

The Annang is a cultur al and ethnic group that lives in the coastal south east Nigeria. At present, the Annangs have eight local government areas of the pr esent thirty-one local government areas in Akwa Ibo m State of Nigeria.

The Fattening Room
Much has been written about the fattening room among the Annang. The fattening of the bride in Annang land, though seen mostly from the point of view of aesthetics, is more than a demonstration of what the culture regards as "beautiful". To the Annangs, plump women were seen as beautiful. It meant that the woman came from a home where the parents were well-to do and it also meant that the husband was also well-to-do. Some western social scientists have theorized that individuals from societies where the food supply was lean and famines frequent were likely to regard being fat as a desirable body structure and to see being fat as beautiful. We in Annang are not surprised by such theories because western scientists who derive their worldview from evolutionary perspectives have always seen Africa and Africans from Darwinian lenses. As Gloria Allred observed, the characteristics of the powerful have always been seen as the ideal while those seen as without power have historically been relegated to the background and often seen as pathological. The destitute-likes-fat explanation disregards the very definition of what a culture is and looks at the world primarily from an ethnocentric perspective. Thus, what is western is ideal and how the other lives becomes primitive. Augustus Comte had divided the cultures of the world into two camps namely: the primitive and the civilized. Under the Comtean classification the European culture was the civilized one and all the others were primitive. What the world has refused to hear in the fattening practice is that the fattening period was a period of education. The young bride was taught house keeping, child care, history, and how to be a wife and citizen of the community. The Annang society was semi-matriarchal before the Christian missionaries destroyed it. It became important therefore for the women to be taught the importance of good citizenship in the fattening period. The fattening room was more than an exercise in primitivity; it was a period to educate and to socialize the young into the values of the society (Ette, 2008)

Turn the frown upside down in 2009

It’s a New Year!! So why am I about to repeat the mistakes of last year? Christmas I spent time with him. We exchanged gifts, and he went back to the house we bought together that he now shares with his baby mother. This chick devastated our 8 years together. Not only her fault but the temptation of a desperate woman can really be powerful. During a break up, she gets pregnant and has a baby 3 days from my birthday. What did I do that was so wrong? I tried to stay but I could not deal with it… So I left…..
I was not perfect by far…but of course I don’t see that now. I am pissed I have allowed him back into my circle. I wake up and he is on my mind. I sleep he, her and the baby are in my dreams. I am devastated. I actually do not want him back. I want to pay him back. I am mad, not only at him but at her because it is like she won the fight. She had been battling to be with him for all this time, she has finally won… DAMN!! She doesn’t work, just lays on her sloppy as.s while he makes all the money. SO he works harder to make sure all the bills are paid and they live comfortably. I hate the thought. I called him last night he did not pick up. What was he doing? Were they at church as a family to bring in the New Year? Probably not. I actually found out that he is dating another girl besides his live in rat….
He is not a good man. Glad I left the situation. I just need to make sure this New Year I am on top of it and I don’t make mistakes like last year.

-excerpt-