Trapped between a rock and a hard place....

- I have loved him for more than several years.... but he with someone else now... I miss him. Was my homeboy but I treated him like CRAP. But he has grown into a DOG( she thinks it because of his new found freedom)

- I have been dating him off and on for 3 years. He is not ready to really commit but I miss him. He is not dedicated and dependable... but I already put my self in this position with him. I feel like I need to conquer him.

- I have the best God fearing man in the world. I just love him.... but he has not discussed marriage.....plus he is just telling me he loves me for the first time.( 2 years later). Parents hate me...

SEE THIS THE KIND OF STUFF PEOPLE ARE CALLING ME ABOUT..... People are dying from lack of proper health care. Matter of the heart are definitely important, but it should not be what consumes us. Call me and discuss more pressing matters or Leave me alone.

Deuces

EMPTY

T'was the day after Christmas and I am getting calls regarding others problems.!!. I am not sure if they don't get it but I don't have any emotions or sympathy to give. I am drained, just empty. Sad to say, but it is true. I find solace in just bottling up all my emotions, doing my work, avoiding tedious conversations with little to NO substance. Hopefully, with time I will get better. So find your way....we ALL got stuff we are going through. Maybe we need to all do what the Caucasians normally do... THERAPY.

Nigeria turns 49!!!

Nigeria Celebrates 49 Years Of Independence

Today marks 49 years of independence from British colonial rule. Today should be a day that we look back at all the accomplishments that Nigeria as well as Nigerians have made since independence. Unfortunately, many Nigerians continue to express frustration over widespread hunger, unemployment and the pace of development. We should all join together and ask ourselves “what can we do to make our county a better place?” Instead of complaining (which is dully justified) we need to think of what we can do here or back home to make our government accountable. We can also selflessly find ways individually to unite and give back to our county. A positive attitude goes a long way. Directly quoting Governor of Lagos, Fashola from 2008 "Many will be tempted to focus on our failures and to lament our national deficiencies; they will compare our accomplishment to our potentials and conclude that we could have done better. But let us see the cup as half full rather than half empty." It would be more beneficial to choose a positive attitude in our assessment of the country. Fashola suggested that adopting a positive attitude would enable the country to count its blessings and access our strengths so we can have the courage and will to turn yesterday's short comings into tomorrow's successes. So as we celebrate today and all through the weekend think not “What can my country do for me?” but “What can I do for my country?

Happy Independence Day!!!!

Yard Sale

We had our "Back to School Ladies of NOW Yard Sale" 2day. It was ok. We started around 830am. Our first sale was a toy for $.50. It was not until 10am that business started to pick up. We made $180.00. Thats pretty good considering we quit 1 hour early. We could not take the heat!!! I am proud of us. We will be using the money to buy school supplies for students that we are mentoring. Most of our students attend an alternative school in Atlanta. These kids are not bad at heart. They have just used the wrong ways to seek attention.

Good job Ladies of NOW!!!

I have been trying to heal with each day. I spent 8 weeks in Europe and Nigeria and things are not better. I'm the type that likes the quick fix. Do not like to stay mad to long, don't want to mourn to long. However, this was my bros!! So dear to me. The days I spend in the company of others makes it easier to block the pain. Other days I cry uncontrollably. Now that I am around my mother it is worst. You see how the pain has taken a tole on her. Our smiles use to brighten up the room. Now they are just there. Its sad when a death in the family makes family members drift apart. We are suppose to be coming together. But everyone is dealing with the pain the best way they know how.

Me on the other hand do not feel like being bothered. I am trying to keep my relationship with my man above water because I know I want him in my life and this pain will one day subside. But I know it is hard on him. My moods fluctuate dramatically. One day I am laughing with him the next day I am being malicious. As far as my girlfriends and cousins.... well those relationships are barely in existent. I try to email at least. Because like my man, I really want them to be there. Its not like I have so many friends. I just hope they understand.

As for school... well it was by Gods grace that I am still above a 3.0. In law school it is important to be in the top of the class, especially since I plan to work at a large firm for at least 2 years.

My organization... well I want to forget about giving back to my community. That's on the days I am mad. Other days I know that if I sit back and say "it is someone elses responsibility" I will live to regret it. So I will strive each day to fight the urge to give up on all my dreams.

The sad thing is life keeps moving. I know FSCBone would not want me to fail out of law school, abandon an organization that he helped create, not get married and be without friends. But anytime an ounce of happiness is felt in my heart sadness over powers it and I am sad again.

Uwem emi....

Not a bit easier

The days are not getting easier. How can it? There is no real closure. I dont know the real reason why I have lost someone so dear to me. The doctors cannot give us a straight answer. I dont know....
How am I handling this? Well I have always been a loner, so unfortunately I am unable to really open up to those around me. The other day a couple of ladies came over for intervention. They cautioned me about sitting in the house and lamenting of the lost. That I need to really talk to them.
I just dont feel like it.... I dont want to really talk to anyone because it just makes me cry and think harder. I am too young to develop high blood pressure. This pain is cancerous... it just eats at me. My mood is the worst now. I am snappy and I dont want to be. I know people are reaching out because they want to help but...I just dont feel like being bothered. I see the pain in my mothers eyes. She wakes and sleeps with tears and prayers. My faith has been rocked. I dont know what to say to my God. I have asked for strength for me and my family. Even if I am given strength I still do not have my brother. The person who will tell me "it will be aight". I dont have it.
I am trying to go through the motions of life. I know he would not want me to sit and let life pass me. He lived in the moment. Did what he needed to do with as little stress as possible. I am picturing his layed back stroll. Need a break...tears....