Not a bit easier

The days are not getting easier. How can it? There is no real closure. I dont know the real reason why I have lost someone so dear to me. The doctors cannot give us a straight answer. I dont know....
How am I handling this? Well I have always been a loner, so unfortunately I am unable to really open up to those around me. The other day a couple of ladies came over for intervention. They cautioned me about sitting in the house and lamenting of the lost. That I need to really talk to them.
I just dont feel like it.... I dont want to really talk to anyone because it just makes me cry and think harder. I am too young to develop high blood pressure. This pain is cancerous... it just eats at me. My mood is the worst now. I am snappy and I dont want to be. I know people are reaching out because they want to help but...I just dont feel like being bothered. I see the pain in my mothers eyes. She wakes and sleeps with tears and prayers. My faith has been rocked. I dont know what to say to my God. I have asked for strength for me and my family. Even if I am given strength I still do not have my brother. The person who will tell me "it will be aight". I dont have it.
I am trying to go through the motions of life. I know he would not want me to sit and let life pass me. He lived in the moment. Did what he needed to do with as little stress as possible. I am picturing his layed back stroll. Need a break...tears....